


further than i'd been before

by sonhoedesrazao



Series: Skam ficlets [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 06:22:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonhoedesrazao/pseuds/sonhoedesrazao
Summary: Even leaves it up to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Counting Paths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WmiZFJ34fM) by Matthew and the Atlas. Read on [Tumblr](http://sonhoedesrazao.tumblr.com/post/158528045343/even-leaves-it-up-to-him-this-doesnt-surprise)!

Even leaves it up to him.

This doesn’t surprise him, as Even has done this every step of the day. When Isak hushed him as they snuck into the flat, their clothes and hair wet, and led Even softly to his room so his roommates wouldn’t hear. When Eskild knocked the next day and Isak lied to him. When they met at KB and Isak turned away from a kiss. When the Christmas party had raged on around them and Even sat next to him without a word, only lifting his eyebrow—not a demand, not even a question, just a hello. And when Isak had interlaced their fingers under the table and Even had smiled and asked for nothing more.

It almost makes Isak feel guilty sometimes, how patient he is.

Because he wants to close the distance and kiss his boyfriend, and put a hand around his neck, and murmur something dirty in his ear. He remembers the way Even was with Sonja, that day he first saw her at Even’s apartment, the way they kissed so naturally in front of him and their other friends. The way they looked at Emma’s party, Isak’s heart breaking even as he thought, They’re beautiful. How natural it was for her to put her hand on the back of his neck and pull him in, without a thought for who was watching.

And it should be easy, he thinks, because the hard part’s done now—he’s told his friends he’s into boys (even if that word hasn’t come out of his mouth yet), his parents know he has a boyfriend, everyone at school—at least those who care about his social life, or more likely are interested in Even’s—has seen his Instagram pictures. He’s out. He’s done it. Yet something still pulls at him when Even approaches him at school, the instinct to look around and check if the hallway is empty, the echoes of a panic so ingrained that it rears its head before he can even think to stop it.

It pisses him off, to be honest.

“Do you…” he starts one day when they’re walking home from school and a comfortable silence hangs in the air. His hands are buried in his coat, closed into fists. He looks up at Even, outlined against the bright sky, and his boyfriend turns and smiles.

“Do I what?” Even prompts.

“Have you ever dated a boy before me?”

The words surprise even him. It’s not what he planned to ask, and Even raises his eyebrows, a look of surprise stealing over him. Isak opens his mouth, ready to take it back, but Even speaks before he can—no longer looking surprised, just curious.

“No. I’ve kissed boys, but nothing like this. Like I told you…”

“I’m the only one.” He rolls his eyes fondly. “I’m not jealous or anything.”

“Okay,” Even agrees easily, like he believes him but knows there’s more to it. “Why do you ask?”

Isak considers it as they walk. He likes thinking before speaking. Not that he always does, but he hates sounding stupid and making an ass of himself. He weighs a few questions, and Even lets him take his time.

“I was just wondering how you dealt with this,” he says finally. “Liking boys. For me… it wasn’t easy.” He grimaces—what an understatement. Even just nods, because of course he knows. “I wouldn’t have told anyone if it hadn’t been for you,” he admits, vaguely ashamed. But Even smiles like it’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to him, and the shame dispels.

They stop in front of his building and Isak turns to him. His flatmates are inside and he doesn’t want to lose the moment to Eskild or Noora fluttering around them. It’s hard enough doing it now, so he forces himself to ask.

“Was it hard for you?”

“It was easier,” Even admits. “You’ve met my mother. She’s very… open-minded.” Isak almost scoffs. He was taken back by the way they spoke to each other, almost like friends and not mother and son. “I was 13, I think, when told her I liked to boys as well as girls. She said it was fine and normal and that was that.”

He swallows his jealousy. “And the rest of the world?”

Even shrugs, almost like he’s apologizing. “My friends… I didn’t say anything. But then I hooked up with this boy at a party and they saw it and asked me about it. So I told them, and they were fine with it, so I never had time to worry about it. And other people… once I knew the boys had my back, it was never an issue. Though sometimes people were rude, when they found out about me.”

He looks uncomfortable now, and Isak realizes it’s not the conversation, but the memory of his friends—these elusive entities he’s heard next to nothing about. Even looks down, brow furrowed, and Isak hates that he opened his mouth at all.

“Right,” he says, climbing the steps to the door. “Okay.”

“Isak.” The call is soft, but wraps around him like an anchor. Isak turns, a knot in his throat. So stupid.

And then—then Even does what he does best. He leaves it up to him.

He hesitates, on the brink of spilling it all. The thought of breaking down makes him feel queasy, which only makes him angry again. So instead he goes down a step and takes Even’s hands. He forces himself not to shift his gaze to the side, not to check the street. It doesn’t matter if they see, he tells himself. None of these people matter. He will say it until he believes it.

“You can touch me,” he says. “If you want to. And kiss me.”

Even tilts his head, a teasing smile playing at his lips. “I thought I did that? Often?”

“When we’re outside,” Isak clarifies, dead serious.

Even’s smile dies, replaced by a confused look. “I know you’re not comfortable with that.”

“I want to be comfortable. But I can’t—I mean, don’t think I can take the first step, so you’ll have to do it, okay?” His fingers tighten on Even’s, and his body moves closer to his, the movement almost unconscious. The closest he is to Even, the safer he feels.

Even looks down at their hands, then up at him. “You’re doing fine on your own, sweetheart.”

He swallows again. He’s not going to cry on the front steps of his building. “Doesn’t feel like it.” The words come out clipped and hover between them.

Even doesn’t reply—except for his hands, which hold his with safety and calm, thumbs moving in a soothing, circular motion over the back of Isak’s. The world is moving around them, and Isak looks down at their interlaced fingers, and closes his eyes, and breathes and breathes and breathes, until it’s easier. Until it’s easy.

When he opens them, Even’s there, patient as always.

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Even leaves it up to him, and Isak nods.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] further than i'd been before](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559526) by [Jinxy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxy/pseuds/Jinxy)




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